Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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