Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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