Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
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Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
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I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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