you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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