One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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