I cannot find my penis.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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