I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
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There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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