i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
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woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She's the barista slut.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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