apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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