saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
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He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
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She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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