Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
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This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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