The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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