Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
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