So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
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I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
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I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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