So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
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You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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