Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
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I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
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He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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