just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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