Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
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I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
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All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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