i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
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IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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