I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Are my feet made of real feet?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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