I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
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This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
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I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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