my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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