when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
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Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
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when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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