I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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