can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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