Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
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it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
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I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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