my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
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I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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