I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
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He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
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He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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