So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
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At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
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Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
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