I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
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I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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