Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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