what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
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She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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