Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize