Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
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i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
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Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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