Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
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Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
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I need to wash the frat house off of me
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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