i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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