4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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