Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
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I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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