When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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