just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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