The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize