Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
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The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
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It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
its liver damage thursday
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize