Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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