Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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