6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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