You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
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St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My penis needs a shock collar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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