Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
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Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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