I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
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I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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