This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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