Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
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I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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